Oops!

I failed.

As a recovering perfectionist, failure can wreak havoc on my psyche. I have to coach myself away from negative feelings that start in the pit of my stomach and that, if left unchecked, work their way into my mind and set up shop.

And here’s the thing. It’s not even a “real” failure. I simply missed posting a microblog yesterday. Not because I forgot. Not because I had nothing to talk about, but simply because I was feeling other feelings and couldn’t shake those feelings enough to pull up my blog and write.

I crawled into bed much too early, thinking I could nap away the feelings. I opened my eyes every now and then to check the time, hoping I’d have enough of some other feeling to post something before Monday became Tuesday. Anything.

I last looked at the clock at 11:20 p.m. and thought…there’s still enough Monday left.  Then, I slipped into a deep, deep sleep.

I chided myself about it all day.

This is my attempt to “get over it” and to stop beating myself for what can’t be undone. I enjoy blogging—it has been a safe space for the last five (plus) years and I don’t want to associate negative feelings with my blog.  So, I’m shaking those feelings by expressing them and by reminding myself—that “if at first I don’t succeed” at blogging every Monday for 52 weeks straight, then I can “try, try again” next year if I choose.

More importantly, I am allowing space for my own “humanness” and acknowledging that reconciling those other feelings was far more important than a blog post at that moment.

6 thoughts on “Oops!

  1. hollythreesixfive says:

    I Oopsed this week, too!!! My whole project was 365 STRAIGHT days if art and I missed several this week alone! But we both have strengthened ourselves by the resolve we have had with our projects, and our little oopses haven’t destroyed any of the growth. We are much further along than we would have been, right? So we do what you have done and keep moving forward. 🙂

    • Chandra Lynn says:

      Yes. I so agree. We do these things for ourselves after all. The world isn’t going to fall apart if we don’t post our art or our words. And yes, what we have done is phenomenal. Our lives are crazy-busy and we’ve managed to keep up with our posts. We’re allowed to have an “oops” every now and then.

  2. milesaway44105 says:

    Several years ago now, I heard a commentator say about Venus Williams, who had foot-faulted immediately before scoring an ace, that she forgave herself quickly and moved on. I’ve never forgotten that: Forgive yourself quickly and move on. Women should not participate in sustaining the violence that is done to us by “beating ourselves up.” I’m afraid that when we do this, it means that we prime ourselves to conspire with those who abuse us. So please do not be complicit with those who mean to do you harm. Forgive yourself quickly.

    If you slept and didn’t post, it was because you needed to sleep and not post. You MUST take care of yourself.

    • Chandra Lynn says:

      I know! I know! And I’m certain part of the need for sleep was tied to submitting final grades and thus, ending a very trying Fall Semester. I’m working on the “forgiving myself quickly” part. It’s a work-in-progress. Thanks for the Venus “vignette.” I’m definitely keeping this one in mind.

  3. Sheila Marie Delgado says:

    God didn’t make any of us perfect. And by posting your feelings of failure, you are reminding us that we are not alone. We all feel that way at times. I have been feeling that way too 😉 So I thank you Chandra for sharing 😉
    I stayed up two hours too late last night, trying to accomplish, something. When all I really wanted was to go to bed early. LOL. Good for you, giving in to sleep 😉

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