I woke up this morning with thoughts of an eight-year-old boy, the nephew of one of my kindest friends. He woke up this morning for the first time without his mother’s embrace. She passed yesterday after a very lengthy battle with cancer. Though I didn’t know her or her little boy, I felt myself spiraling for my friend, for her family, and especially for the little one.
As if the out-of-the-ordinary madness of 2020 isn’t enough, unfortunately we also have to deal with dreaded realities like illness and death. The everyday concerns and these hardships combined with the abnormalities of this year can create a perfect stew of unmanageable anxiety and grief.
So how do I cope when life feels impossible and the emotions are too big to manage? In addition to prayer (which we’ll save for another day), I make lists.
Lists, you ask? Not a typical task list but a lists of things I can’t control alongside a list of things I can control.
I can’t bring back the little boy’s mom. I can’t stop the hurt or grief, but I can pray and offer support.
I can’t singlehandedly eradicate the coronavirus, but I can do my part to stop the spread and protect my family and myself by wearing masks and avoiding situations in which social distancing is challenged.
I can’t control how the vote goes tomorrow, but I can control how I participate in the democratic process by exercising my hard-won right and responsibility to vote.
I can’t take away the abuse a friend suffered as a child that continues to hurt and traumatize so many decades later, but I can listen, affirm, pray, and hug.
I can’t make people not be racist, but I can educate and choose to operate from a place of love regardless.
When I was a teen, I encountered the “Serenity Prayer” on the front of a church bulletin, and the first part has been a mantra ever since:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. –Reinhold Niebuhr
The lists help me confront the big scary things in black and white, and then, determine my response to them. More often than not, serenity is the welcomed outcome.
About the Images: The images in this post are the full color versions of the grainy black and white photos in the previous post. I’d mentioned in my latest #treelove post that for Creative Auto shots the camera shoots an original color photo AND processes the “creative photo” at the same time. I don’t like these as much, but this is what happens when I don’t remember where I put the images I’d planned for today’s post. 
Pics and Posts 
Your messages are very special. Heart warming and thought provoking. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Your photographs are awesome, too. 🙂
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Aww…thank you! That means a lot.
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Another great, timely reminder. Praying for your friend’s family as they grieve.
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Thank you, Russ!
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I think these pictures are beautiful – Vivid colors! I also love your idea of making the list of what you can’t control, and what you can do. I will be using the list for this week of election news, for grief over a friend who died, and for the anxiety over the Corona Virus and people who won’t wear masks. Perhaps the list will help reduce my exasperation and anxiety. I have been praying a lot! But your list can help me think of other ways I can cope. Thank you for an insightful and beautiful post. (I shared it on FB and Twitter. That’s something I can do to help others cope.)
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Oh, Janet I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. I’m sending you a HUGE virtual hug. Please use my contact form and send me your address.
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Sorry for your loss, in these challenging times. The hidden healing of list making, when things feel out of control, such a beautiful insight. I just read a beautiful work of creative nonfiction, in which a struggling mother shares her lists that get her through her days, even when the tasks are the most mundane, that sense of fulfillment.
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It was a friend’s loss, but I’ll be sure to share your kind words with her. Do you mind sharing the title of the book you read? I teach a Creative Nonfiction course and would love to see how the writer works the lists in.
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Oh, with enormous pleasure, I believe this book is to be published in the US in June 2021, it was published in the UK by the independent publisher, Tram Press, so you may be able to get hold of it.
It’s called A Ghost in the Throat by Doireann Ni Ghriofa, and here’s a link to my review.
https://clairemcalpine.com/2020/10/29/a-ghost-in-the-throat-by-doireann-ni-ghriofa/
And it’s as if there is more to learn and understand, thanks to reading your post, which highlighted to me the importance of making those lists and realising how we all do that, and that Doireann Ni Ghriofa puts them into her “female text” is a beautiful validation.
This is a beautiful work of creative nonfiction, one of the best books I’ve read in 2020.
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Thank you! It’s in my cart on Amazon!
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Yes, excellent strategy and one I employ often. I like the list of things I can control because it often moves me to action and that helps me more than just sitting and cycling through all my thoughts over and over again.
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. Lots of love to you and her family.
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“but I can do my part to stop the spread and protect my family and myself by wearing masks and avoiding situations in which social distancing is challenged.”
Don’t forget to wash your hands for two Happy Birthdays.
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Always, always wash the hands–even before the pandemic.
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Of course, but you know that there are enough disgusting people who did not wash their hands after using the toilet (I am German, I do not wince at the word toilet) – the same people who did not cover their mouth and nose when sneezing. So washing your hands needs a reminder.
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Excellent suggestion! I used to do with with my clients when I was a counselor, then found it very helpful for my own personal use. There is always something we can change or do something about, even if it’s our attitude and actions like taking a slow, deep breath before responding to someone.
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Thanks for the confirmation!
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I always wonder about the fate of children who lose or are permanently separated from their parents.
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So sad…
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