I am sharing a piece I wrote just a few moments ago during a writing circle session. I chose the prompt “I wish” for the group, hoping that a fanciful tale of unicorn dreams and butterfly wishes would fall from my pen. Instead, after being unable to write about my feelings for weeks, this spilled out:
I wish I could take this darkness that has settled into my being over the last few weeks and kick it straight into oblivion, into the abyss from which it sprung. It has robbed me of sleep. It has taken my calm. It has driven me to consuming way too much chocolate and to long-overcome habits of rolling my eyes and sucking my teeth and impatience with the world. It has made me so unlike me. I wish I could pull myself up to dance on clouds and sing on rooftops and never, ever apologize for being too joyful. I wish God would release me from the grips of darkness. I wish He hadn’t invited me to let it steep. To let it all rise to the surface—the grief and vile feelings, the suppressed hurt and trauma that I have stuffed too far down because I don’t have the energy or capacity to deal. I wish I didn’t have to confront the darkness. I wish I didn’t have to do the hard work of grappling with it and wrestling with it. We know Light wins. Light always wins, so why not skip the drama and just win already? Ugh! I wish I didn’t have to sit with the darkness, especially when just a flicker of His light is enough.
About the Image: My sunflower-loving, Wildflowers: Blooming in Community friend, Jamise L, sent the beautiful photo-card to me shortly after my father’s passing. Having lost her own father five years ago, she is well-acquainted with the journey. Her note offered comfort, love, and a shoulder to lean on. Thanks for the sunshine, Jamise!
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thank you for sharing this beautiful truth! For everything there is a season, although I agree with you, I’d rather avoid the wrestling. My Bible study group is focusing on the book of Job, and I learned (again- what I had forgotten): “I know that my redeemer lives” (Job 19:25). Prayers for your process. Know that your words, images, and sentiments are appreciated!
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Thank you for appreciating the post and for your affirming words and prayers. Yes, Job is certainly a model. God is faithful. Thankfully.
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I am sorry you are dealing with old trauma and darkness. It is better to deal with it, so you can be rid of it. I need to do that too. I keep trying to ignore it, but … I know it won’t just go away. I pray for your healing.
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Thank you, Janet! And yes, better to deal than hide and harbor. Thanks for prayers. Hugssss…
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Sending giant, hard hugs. Yes, the light wins. Always. But sometimes it can feel miles away. Praying for peace, strength and finding your JOY. xoxo
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Oh, it’s so hard to be in this place. “It has made me so unlike me.” I know this feeling well. You are right. Light does ultimately win. Keep moving forward. <<>>
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So, so hard! Yes…keep moving…forward. Indeed! Thank you!
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I love the way you just opened yourself to the Spirit and then went wherever it led you… even when it led you to acknowledge the dark place you’re in right now. As people of faith, we both. know the light will ultimately break through. But waiting for that moment is so damned hard. Praying for you today…
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You said it!! Indeed, HARD!!! Thanks for prayers!
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I hear you. Let’s skip to the “happily ever after” part.
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Just a flicker of light could chase darkness away. That’s encouraging and frustrating. I relate to the prayer, “God, why not get me out of this now?” I know his light is always here, though, and His victory is already determined. Thank you for this post
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